So, I’ve managed to isolate one of the reasons I suddenly feel so terrible:
Someone I thought was a good friend is being a douchebag to me. And he *was* being really nice, until a couple of weeks ago, so… now I’m not sure how to cope.
I once made the statement to him (not that long ago, actually) that I was perpetually homesick (4,000 miles from home, only get back to the States once every 2 years or so, holidays are particularly rough, etc) and his response was everything you’d hope for. Compassionate, concerned, empathetic; he recalled his own time far from home (which lasted one-tenth as long as my current exile, and allowed for frequent trips to see his folks) and how isolated that made him feel, and exclaimed over how wretched it must be for me.
Since then, I’ve asked him to blow off doing something (non-mandatory, that he’s stated is no longer any fun) a couple of times, and he’s refused. Then, a few days ago, he cancelled that activity outright, to start spending one evening a week hanging out with mutual friends (they all live in a town about 2 hours’ drive away)–an evening that I have no hope of ever attending.
And when I queried it, he refused to even really discuss it. I got the distinct impression that what he does with his time is none of my business (true enough, I suppose, but in the run-up to the holidays, when I’m already coming apart at the seams… and following on from his declarations of sympathy a few short months ago… you see my point, perhaps? He does not). In the end, he made the statement, “I’m sorry you’re separated by distance; I won’t let that factor colour everything”.
In other words, “Your situation is pitiable, but it has nothing to do with me… and I won’t even acknowledge that your feelings might be hurt that I couldn’t skip one… well… anything, to spend time with you, but I can cancel a repeating, long-term activity outright to spend an evening a week with friends you only wish you could see that often.”
Not 2 weeks ago, I sent a preliminary message to a few friends, warning them about Christmas being a low time for me, and especially this year (we were home last year, for the first Christmas in 7 years) and my ex has the kids all Christmas week, this year.
If this is the response I get for admitting my vulnerability and loneliness, I will stick with what I usually do; up my meds, sleep as much as possible, and when all else fails, get too drunk to stand unaided.